Most women have to opportunity to be a bridesmaid in their lifetime. It can be a lot of fun, but it can also be HELL. Recently one of my BFF’s had a friend get engaged, and she laid low for days trying to dodge the epic question “Will you be my bridesmaid?” Unfortunately her attempts were unsuccessful, and she didn’t have the heart to say no. Instead we created a list of 18 Reasons I Don’t Want to be Your Bridesmaid for women everywhere stuck in horrible dresses.
1. I’m already married, I’m over “this part” of life.
2. I don’t know any of your other bridesmaids. So every function I’m forced to attend, for the next 10 months, I’m gona be texting my bff’s telling them how miserable I am.
3. Your fiancé sucks at life. I seriously want to shake you and tell you to run in the other direction. I’ll even help you find someone more suitably. What do you see in this guy?
4. I think your making a mistake. You’re so young. You’re getting married in those primal years that your supposed to be finding yourself.
5. I’ve let myself go. You and all your friends still have flat stomachs and metabolisms in overdrive. Meanwhile I’ve perfected dinner #1 and dinner #2, and it shows, on my hips.
6. I’m jealous. How the hell are you paying for all this sh!t?
7. I don’t care for some of your friends, and I don’t want to be forced to chummy with them up until we send you off on your honey moon.
8. I barely know you. Are you desperate for a certain number of bridesmaids because I’m literally shocked you asked me. I don’t even know your favorite Netflix show.
9. I have a life, and the 800 functions leading up to your wedding are cramping my calendar style something serious.
10. I love my dog too much to leave her alone all day. Can my dog be a bridesmaid?
11. I have a kids, my hands are already full. I barely have time to take a solid poop, much less be in your wedding.
12. I’m broke. I don’t have unlimited funds for all your showers, excursions, lunches, brunches, and lets not forget the dress. Any chump change I manage to scrape up is usually blown on Amazon Prime or a dollar menu.
13. Where you high when you picked the dresses? I can’t believe I have to pay for that dress, in that color, and then wear it.
14. You’re kind of a biatch, and I can see that bridezilla look in your eye already.
15. Your going to regret having me around. I already have an attitude, and I’ve already unfollowed your annoying a$$ on Facebook. So no, I didn’t see the “just because” flowers you recently received.
16. I’m bitter. Marriage is hard, so I’m not in the mood for your fairy tale adventure.
17. I’m bitter. I’m still looking for Mr. Right. My life is like one long episode of Seinfeld.
18. Did you not read my 30th Birthday Post? I’m too old for this sh!t.